So, here I am, yet again, wishing I posted more... Oh well...
In an effort to have baby number three we've opted to give Clomid a try... between my age (I'm not quite 32 yet, but my family history isn't the best and no one in my family has ever successfully had a child at this age) and my weight (I'm not ginormous or anything, but I'm definitely on the round side of things) I figured I could use a little help. OY! I have been a mess all week! Crying, cramps... I suppose it could be a lot worse, and it's not like there hasn't been a bit of "to do" this week.
After four years, I've given my notice at work. Now I'm sure you're all saying, "Four years? That's not a lot of time..." And yes, it isn't. But when dealing with children, it's almost a lifetime... When I first started working there, I was the infant teacher as well as the director. Now, I'm still the director, but I've moved into the preschool room, and so have all the infants that started with me four years ago. I've been with some of these kids since birth, literally... I remember their mom's being pregnant! To say that I've gotten a little attached is an understatement. I'm often having to clarify if "my kids" are the biological ones or the 9-5 ones. It makes all the sense in the world for me to take the new job (for clarification, I wasn't looking for a new job, it was offered to me). I'll be working with my kids(the biological ones, at the home daycare they go to), closer to home. I won't have to wake my kids up a 5am anymore. I'll be there to put my son on the bus and get him off the bus in the afternoon. I'll end up saving close to $100 every month on gas. I get along with my new boss really well; I consider her a friend actually. My new boss is incredibly organized and professional, I will learn so much from her! But all this isn't going to make the next five weeks any easier (I gave my current boss six weeks notice). The I've told all the parents, but not the kids yet. Telling them will be really tough... their parents were hard enough. They were all very understanding. I was surprised by the reactions though... crying, very sad, disappointed... While I'm very flattered, it made me almost second guess my decision. But, like they've all said, I have do to what is best for my family (the biological one that is). Maybe that's what is making this so hard, I consider them to be part of my family... and I'm sure the hormonal rage I'm in isn't helping the situation either.
Neither is the situation down in Mass... The sale date is looming closer and closer. And it's like they're dying all over again. To make matters worse, I have pretty much cut off my cousin. She was once my best friend, now I don't know who the hell she is. We used to talk on the phone every day, every fucking day! Then, she found herself a man... the phone calls started getting shorter, then I was always leaving messages... it would take a few days for them to be returned, then not at all... as time went on, if I happened to catch her at home I was made to feel as if I were intruding. Ever since her two kids were little I have been to just about every important event possible. Every year I would go to hockey games and tournaments, dance recitals, graduations, birthdays, religious ceremonies (confirmation and such, they're Catholic... I'm not). Well, I have invited her (and her SO, her kids, his kids... the entire entourage, happily invite them, mind you) to baseball games, soccer games, basketball games, beach trips... not one... She's always too busy with the new man's family, or school, or tired... maybe I'm just being petty, but it hurts. I think back to when I started dating the Hubbs... and I've asked other close family members, just to make sure I wasn't remembering things a little differently... Did I push my family away in favor of the new guy? Was he all of a sudden the center of my universe and every one else failed to exist? Did I forget all of those people who had been there for me, supported me, loved me, and held my hand through some of the hardest times of my life? I keep getting the same answer... no, I didn't... and yes, she did. And now, the straw that broke the camel's back? I have never seen someone so eager to forget where they came from... eager to forget those who helped... eager to just forget the life they've lived. She has had more than her fair share of lemons in life... but she also has so much to be thankful for. But instead she focuses on the bad and continues to envy the perfect lives of her friends... I'm not religious, but last I checked... Envy was one of the seven deadly sins. For a Catholic... I wonder what that means for her... I wonder if she even realizes she's doing it? Casting out her family and friends and past to have the life she has always envied. I really do hope it's worth it to her. From where I sit, it doesn't matter where you are or what you're surrounded by... you're still the same person, from the same place, with the same fucked up, craptastic life... Pretending won't make it go away. Ignore it all you want, it'll still be there... and it will come back to haunt you... I'm sure of it.