Saturday, November 01, 2008

*Warning, Warning*

Therapy Session Ahead

So after laying in bed for over an hour, not being able to sleep, and getting myself so worked up that I'm having trouble breathing, I decided to make a list...

I'm angry.
I'm angry because you used to be my best friend.
I'm angry because you can't make a commitment.
I'm angry because you are irresponsible.
I'm angry because you are selling my home.
I'm angry because you died and I miss you so much.
I'm angry because you're an alcoholic.
I'm angry because you've replaced me.
I'm angry because I can't sleep.
I'm angry because I missed the last five years of your life, and I am so sorry.
I'm angry because you took off and left us to clean up your mess... and expect us to be OK with that.
I'm angry because my priorities are different from yours and that is very frustrating.
I'm angry because you took my Grandparents.
I'm angry because you are selfish.
I'm angry because you are constantly fighting, and it's killing me.
I'm angry because I feel you have pushed me aside.
I'm angry because I give and you take... I want to take too.
I'm angry because I miss you.
I'm angry because I want more children, but you won't support me in that.
I'm angry because I should be satisfied with what I have, but I'm not.
I'm angry because you broke your promise; several of them.
I'm angry because I'm financially a mess, but I'm working on it.
I'm angry because you think it's OK to treat me like this - you know I'll always be there for you.
I'm angry because I'm so angry.
I'm angry because every so often I crack under the pressure and take it out on whoever is nearest; sometimes that is my children and that sucks... a whole lot.
I'm angry because I know you're better than that, but you don't.
I'm angry because out of 365 days, I expect to see my family on two of them, no questions asked... put everything aside and spend an evening with me and mine. Have dinner, gorge on desserts, play games, and catch up... This year, not one of you will be here. That hurts, a lot.
I'm angry because you move my stuff around; it's my stuff - leave it alone.
I'm angry because you expect me to work like you do and I'm not you.
I'm angry because I really ought to be grateful... I have a lot to be thankful for.
I'm angry because I'm not as strong or as tough as you think I am, but I think I'm OK with that too.
I'm angry because I wish you cared like I do.
I'm angry because you changed things without asking how I felt about it.
I'm angry because my kids don't have a yard to play in; they deserve a yard.

Now I'm sure that a few of you will stumble across this, read it, gasp, get pissed off, maybe even send an email out with a link in it saying "Look what she said about you!" Go for it. If you see something that ticks you off or bothers you, knock yourself out. I can't guarantee that if you confront me I'll want or be able to talk about it right at that moment. This is not my way of letting you know about it. Carrying all this inside is torture... I need to let it out. This is about me, not you. I'm not looking for you to solve my problems, just a little release.
And, this list is not directed at one specific person. Hell, a few items aren't directed at a person at all and some are directed at several people. Some are a matter of interpretation. Some are obvious, others are vague. Some are justified and some are selfish. But I also feel I am entitled to be selfish every once in a while. Aren't we all? At any rate... I am angry, and right now it sucks.

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